DeathBattle: Neo vs. Po, Part 2

  Continued from Part 1...

  Po rushed forth, creating a tremor in the floor, to deliver a punch- a punch that was ducked beneath. Po followed with an onslaught of fierce punches and kicks, pulling to mind every move that Shifu had taught him- and yet, Neo simply dodged each and every one, as if he knew exactly what he was to do each time. Sweep kicks, palm thrusts, spear paws, chops, all were simply ducked under, sidestepped, or jumped over, as Neo backed up further and further. Po delivered once last punch, aiming to knock Neo's lights out, only for The One to jump backwards into the air, planting one foot upon a suit of armor on a stand behind him, and leapt off of it to land spinning horizontal kick on Po's face, sending him through a pillar!! Colored stone debris flew everywhere as Po skidded along the ground, then came to stop at the wall... and looked up.

  There, on a stand above him, lay a beautiful sword engraved with radiant emerald symbols: The Sword of Heroes. "Ohoho, this'll be fun," Po said to himself as he grasped the blade and kip-upped, whirling about his new blade to show it off to Neo. The One cocked an eyebrow as his opponent came forth once again: how good a swordsman was a panda with tiny fingers?

  Surprisingly enough, a very good one.

  Po's arm became a blur as he set of work slashing, waving, jabbing, and chopping with the blade, Neo managing to keep cool as always in the face of his foe's burst of speed as he twirled, ducked, and weaved through the blur of beryl light and strange metal that was Po's swings, himself hardly visible!! Right as be pulled back far a heavy swing, Neo rolled past and underneath the panda, losing a few strands of hair as the impossibly sharp blade carved clean through the pillar like a knife through warm butter!! Right as Neo stopped, he reversed his momentum and threw a straight kick into the small of Po's back!

  ...or at least, where it was, before the panda jumped up into the air, having anticipated the attack. With an airborne twirl and a "WATAAHH!!", Po brought the legendary blade down as he fell, poised to cleave Neo in twain-!!

  When Neo concentrated... and did the impossible.

  With nothing more than his index finger, he completely stopped the Sword of Heroes, and Po with it, in midair!!

  ...a beat, as the slashed pillar crumbled to the ground.

  And the lens of Neo's sunglasses audibly cracked, as he got a better look at the Sword of Heroes. It was, after all, so sharp that one could cut themselves just by looking at it. Even so, Po spoke.

  "Okay, that's pretty co- OW!!"

  The last thing the Kung Fu Panda expected to occur, did in fact occur: Neo's sunglasses telekinetically flew at him and shattered upon his face, leaving the panda vulnerable to Neo's spinning triple midair kick!! The final blow smacked him into the pillars, causing the hapless panda to bounce about the Jade Palace like a pinball. Right as Po skidded to a stop on both feet, Neo was already whirling two shiny new implements of pain about his fingers: sai.

  "I've figured it out."

  And then Neo was ten feet closer to Po, within striking range, before Po could recognize it!!

  "You use Panda Style to keep me on my toes..."

  Po acting on instinct, swung The Sword of Heroes forward again and again, sparks flying about as the blades collided ten times in but a second!!

  "...and to deflect my attacks. Which, of course, requires that you utilize your body fat."

  Po swung as Neo brought forward his sai once more-!! Only to realize, too late, that Neo had feinted, only one of Neo's sai catching Po's sword in its prongs. With a flick of Neo's wrist, The Sword of Heroes was ripped from Po's grasp, sent flying upwards, and embedded itself into the ceiling above. The other sai? Po realized where it was when he felt a long, thin blade enter his gut.

  "Anything bladed denies your strategy. Let's see how tough you are beneath your armor."

  And with that, Neo hopped into the air and roundhouse kicked the pommel of the sai embedded into the furry panda, sending him through the air like a bloodied furry cannonball!! When Po finally rolled to a halt near the edge of the Jade Palace's pool, dragging a knuckle across the floor to halt himself as he clutched his stab wound, he spotted Neo running forward, his sai behind him, poised to strike. He had to think, fast!

  ..aha!!

  Neo rushed forward-

  Directly on cue, as far as Po was concerned. Neo's forward pommel whack was knocked off-course by Po's twisting punch impacting his hand from below, resulting in three things: the jab passing by Po's shoulder, the sai snapping in two like a twig, and Neo's knuckles aching like hell!!

  This left Neo completely open, of course, to Po's one-two of punches, which was followed by a rattling uppercut that sent The One several meters skyward!! A blink later, and a smiling Po was already above him-

  "Not to brag, but pretty tough."

  And with that, Neo found himself planted into the Jade Palace's newly-cracked floor by Po's axe kick. In retaliation, Neo swiftly grasped Po's ankle before he could react and, with a mighty surge of strength, tossed him forward and off of him!!

  Po, still disoriented a bit, shook the stars from his vision as he soared... only to realize that Neo had noticed a titanic statue of an armored warrior, holding an equally massive sword. Time seemed to slow down as The One ripped the sword from it's grasp with telekinesis, pointed all twenty feet of it's shining deadly steel at where the airborne panda would be in a split second from now, and threw it, a colossal arrow of whistling death-!!

  Not a sword, Po realized. No...

  There was no sword. There was only a raindrop.

  Po held out his hand, gently twisting it...

  The sword span around him like flowing water...

  And flew backwards towards Neo, courtesy of Po's redirection technique!!

  Neo, in response, simply ran forward, and sprinted across the flat of the flying twenty-foot blade, grabbing it's handle as he jumped off it's crossguard, and with a midair spin brought it down upon the panda-!

  Only for it to halt as Po held it up with just his palm. "What? How?" Neo couldn't help but inquire internally. Po, conveniently, answered his question.

  "You didn't know? I just paid attention to you when you used it on me, and made up my own version." Neo gritted his teeth as his giant sword was tossed to the side. "Pretty cool, huh?" Simultaneously, both reached into weapon racks placed conveniently behind them, Neo retrieving a European longsword (somehow), and Po grabbing a... Chinese black carp?... well, beggars couldn't be choosers... and both swung!! Scales and steel rebounded somehow as Neo touched down on the floor with the sound of a door being kicked in!! A few swings later, and Po caught Neo's sword by flexing his "weapon" around it, giving him the opportunity to throw a straight kick-!

  But Neo was too fast, and somersaulted clean over the panda, landing on the pillar behind him and , much to Po's surprise, standing on it in defiance of gravity. And now, in his off-hand, he held another one of those strange hand cannons again, a Beretta pistol-!

  TH-TH-T-T-T-TRRH

  But Neo's bullets all impacted the polished floor as Po, much to surprise, ran up the pillar opposite him. "He is learning how to do some of what I do..." Both vaulted into the air, and a violent jolt of directional orientation and the sound of metal rebounding off of fish meat like cannon fire later, and both found that they had landed on the ceiling!!

  A brief beat, as both recovered their bearings.

  Neo whirled his sword behind him before lunging forward, blade flashing as it was thrust, but Po was able to lean backwards to evade the stab at the last second. Neo switched his on his longsword, swinging eight more times in a backhanded stance, and yet Po managed to hop, sidestep, and dodge each one. Of course, he wasn't going to be able to keep up too much longer, this Neo was obviously faster than him. It was time to try a new approach:

  "Running away!!"

  And with that, Po punched the floor-er, ceiling- creating a giant hole in it!! Neo, briefly off-balance, restabilized himself with flight, then spotted Po turning tail and fleeing? He was up to something.

  Not wanting to wait and find out what, Neo surged forward-

  Only for Po to slide across the ground, causing Neo to fly clean overhead!! When Neo touched down on the wall opposite and turned himself to face Po, he realized what his plan had been, for now Po brandished the Sword of Heroes in his other paw once more.

  "Hmph. Not bad."

  The One promptly backflipped off of the wall and next to Po once more, swinging his sword in a diagonal arc, and as expected Po parried the blow by raising The Sword of Heroes overhead!! Neo slashed faster and faster, stance and grip constantly shifting, and yet Po simply slashed in turn, still smiling to Neo's mild frustration, deflecting the steady onslaught of The One's slashes and swings with The Sword of Heroes. Neo resolved, in short order, to begin mixing it up: now, he was not only slashing, but also swinging the Beretta pistol!! Though Po would not betray it, he was a bit worried. The panda was finding it progressively more difficult to keep up with his foe, a jet black blur of steel, lead, and fire he was. Deflecting the steady rhythm of bullets and swings wasn't something he could keep up forever, and now he had been backed into the golden dragon on the ceiling, whose head formerly held the Dragon Scroll...

  But that's when Po caught the lucky break he needed: right as Neo's last gunshot blasted Po's damaged seafood-turned-weapon into meaty chunks, Neo's sword swing was caught in the groove at the Sword of Heroes' tip. Po, with a clever application of physics and his own strength, proceeded to twist his blade, flinging both upwards, embedding both into opposite sides of the Moon Pool on the floor above!!

  This of course, left Neo open to a hard uppercut from Po yet again, knocking the emptied Beretta from his grasp and sending him careening into the floor above!! Neo halted himself right as he was mere inches from the Moon Pool and turned to face this stubborn panda foe of his yet again... but then, his eyes widened slightly as he spotted Po, blitzing forwards whilst holding in the palm of his paw a golden orb of light, stylized into the shape of a yin-yang!! But he couldn't afford to get hit by this blur of green-and-golden(?!) coding, not with the kind of power it wielded-

  KRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMM

  Now-charred pieces of shrapnel and debris rocketed into the air as Po impacted the Moon Pool with his orb of Hero's Chi, waves of cascading golden light ripping through the earth and water in all directions!! The entirety of the Jade Palace and the mountainside it stood upon was torn to pieces by the massive eruption of life force that Po that in effect punched the mountain with!!


  ...a silence, as Po, standing upon the flat stone surface that remained, realized that he had accidentally destroyed The Jade Palace.

  Whoops.


  Well, it's not like-

  "Not fast enough!"

  A sudden impact from Po's side caught him off-guard as Neo's roundhouse kick sent him sailing through the air with force like never before!! Before long, he was eating stone and rubble as he began to slow down...







  the former resting place of the Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom



  When Po got up once more, he realized that he was atop the titanic stone spire where the Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom once sat. Now, there was nothing more than blackened ash and a small sapling, that of a new peach tree, growing beneath the strange green light. 

  Po's thoughts were ceased immediately by an invisible force grabbing his neck, then slamming him against an equally invisible wall!! Try as he might, there simply was no struggling out of this, no moving, and no breathing, even, much to Po's worry. When he looked back down, there stood the one called Mr. Anderson. Once again he wore a fresh pair of sunglasses, and stood at the top of the stairs to the platform, one arm raised.

  "You have fought well, panda Po." Neo's voice rang out loud and clear across the empty expanse.

  "But that is not enough to stay me." Po's strangler tightened its grip.

  "I am not just another warrior. I am here because I choose to be." And with that, Neo raised his other hand, the twenty-foot sword from earlier rising from the stone that Po now noticed it's length was embedded into nearby. Just his luck.

  "I am here... because I am a hero to the people of Zion. That is why I cannot let you win." And with that, Neo's off-hand shot forward...

  "I am sorry."

  ...and Po's eyes widened as the titanic sword cannoned directly towards Po, like a needle trained upon an undersized voodoo doll!! It seemed so hopeless...

  Which is when Po, in spite of impending death, flushed the panic from his mind... and thought about, of all things...


  ...the peach tree sapling below him.


  That peach tree sapling was the one that had revived him when he fought Ke Pa. It was how Oogway had taught Shifu to believe in him, to make him into what he is today...

  But what was he? ...the peach tree sapling wasn't going to revive him, not this time. No... it was just going to remind him who he was.

  "Who am I...?"

  The sword drew ever closer at an imperceptible rate, twenty, ten, five, one foot!!

  When a titanic explosion of pure life exploded outwards from Po and overcame everything, flooding the world with light like before that threatened to blow Neo away into dust!!

  When the light finally died down... Neo's arms were crossed in a guard position, one that slowly lowered as Neo summoned up the whole of his willpower to not collapse at the sheer majesty and awe of what was before him.

  There floated Po, gently descending, then touching down upon the stone platform beneath him, glowing with a vibrant aura of Hero's Chi that Neo perceived simultaneously as both a foreign coding, golden like the sunset as it was before, and... something more, something transcendent. And all around them, pink petals began drifting, then storming from the sky. The green-tinted heavens above... were raining peach blossoms. But what stood out to Neo most of all?

  "But what am I?"

  It was Po's smile, which only grew as he stepped forward again and again. It wasn't smart-alecky like before, it wasn't malicious, it wasn't triumphant. No, it was a simple smile, one of kindness, benevolence, and a simple desire to help the world.

  "I'm not just a big, fat panda. I'm the Dragon Warrior." Po held out one paw: in spite of Neo's repeated attempts to slay Po, he seemed to still bear him no ill will. "I'm Po. And there's people that need me too, people who gave themselves to keep me safe."

  Po's Buddha-like smile still remained, even as Neo stood at full height amidst the pink fog of petals all around him.

  "That's why I can't let you win either, dude. There is no ill will..."

  Po gazed into his reflection in Neo's sunglasses...

  "...it's just what we've got to do."

  Neo only nodded, slowly, in acknowledgement as the peach blossoms rained down. Their battle would resume, and one would have to fall.  That's why they had met: to fight... it was providence... Such was the way it had to be. After all...

Morpheus: "There are no accidents."

Oogway: "There are no accidents."

Neo/Po: "...there are no accidents!!"

  Neo dashed forward once again, throwing a palm strike that Po only just deflected in time, then pressed forward with several more jabs, hooks, and kicks that Po batted away. The panda, realizing he was being forced to the edge of the usable ground beneath him, decided... to jump backwards as he evaded a straight kick, falling into the perpetual layer of clouds that hung below? Neo gazed over the ledge, inquisitively... and heard the distant whistle of wind, spotted a faint light-

  "YAATAAAHH!!"

  Neo launched himself backwards and upwards into the jade, peach blossom-filled skies as Po, now aloft upon his shimmering Wings of Light, whiffed the rising uppercut he had tried to strike The One with, his momentum carrying him airborne. Not one to be deterred, Po rushed forward with his new-found flight to deliver an onslaught of furious kicks, punches, and chops to various parts of Neo's body; however, The One simply proved too fast, jumping about in a manner not unlike a drunkard whilst erratically bolting in random directions in the air to avoid each and every strike, even as Po shifted to match his movements.

  "I'm not going to be able to keep this up forever," Neo thought to himself as he evaded a punch and kick with an impossible Limbo-esque bend and a midair flip, respectively. "I need to think up a way to get past his fat now that I've lost most of my bladed weaponry." Po, mildly irritated that his foe's speed and skill made him all but untouchable, threw a punch that was dodged, a second, powerful punch-

  "Now."

  Neo simultaneously lashed out with his own straight punch, pumping it full of telekinetic force!! Both met... and while Neo was overcame by Po's strength, the inside of Po's arm was completely rattled by a speeding truck's worth of telekinesis spiraling through it, shaking it to the very bone!!

  ...a brief beat, as reality tried to process their punches.

  Then, both Neo and Po proceeded to rocket backwards at immense speeds, a cassock and a burlap shorts-clad blur respectively colliding into opposing mountainsides miles apart and punching fifty-foot craters in the ancient stone, a shockwave the size of a village dispersing all of the peach blossoms near the point of collision!! "His powers are cool and tricky," Po thought to himself worriedly as he shook the stars from his vision. Perhaps there was a way around them?

  Neo picked himself up, only to notice a semi truck-size chunk of mountain stone hurtling towards him from miles away! Neo was quick to punch the stone into smaller fragments with but one blow... but then, Po appeared from behind the dust cloud, ready to belly slam Neo-!

  Only to be denied via Neo tossing him backwards through the air with telekinesis once more. Neo followed up by blitzing next to Po and, with a stylistic whirl, attacked with an axe kick: perhaps the sharp heel of his boot would work?:, only for Po to catch his kick and, with a spin of his own, throw him into the mountain once more!! Before Neo could return to his feet once again, the buttocks of a gigantic panda: namely, Po: slammed down onto his back with great force, pinning him to the now-cracked stone!

  Po had an idea. ...a creative idea.

  "Haha!!"

  Po blasted Neo's legs with the Thundering Wind Hammer, the green energy blasting apart large chunks of earth in its wake!! Neo could feel his legs fractured, broken before the mighty force of the blast. The real kicker, at least for Po, however? The force launched Po: and therefore, Neo with him: up the mountainside, The One reduced to little more than a sled for the panda as he flew into the peach blossom-flooded air like a skateboarder taking off from a ramp!! To finish it off, Po spun about and struck Neo with a furry knuckle to the sternum, then a strong heel to the gut that sent The One spiraling forward, skidding across another nearby mountaintop... then another...

  Before finally landing on a mountain path several miles away, a rickety rope bridge leading to a solitary padoga nearby. Below him, the clouds that hung over the entire region almost reached his current elevation. Healing his legs through his powers as The One for a few seconds as he detected Po approaching, Neo jumped into the air a short distance, causing the winged Po's speeding Superman-punch to strike the stone beneath him rather than him. This allowed Neo to counter immediately with a backwards midair kick to Po's crown, sending him reeling to the side and propelling Neo upwards, then to whip out a handgun while still in midair and-

  RAT-TA-TA-TAT

  Fire off four shots as he descended!!

  Po winced as each bullet hit him from the side, leaden stings not unlike Mantis's claw strikes impacting his fat, leaving bruises. He had another of those metal cannon things? Po retaliated by turning about and once again trading blows with the grounded Neo. Palms, spear hands, chops, kicks, headbutts, dives, ducks, weaves, grabs: hundreds and hundreds more of all were thrown as each was forced backwards across the mountain pass in turn, a symphony of pure skill that would leave any novice crying in abject shame. Finally, Po simply raised his palm as his other hand swatted away an attempted kick, feeling a heroic power flow through him one more-!

  And fired off a massive ray of Hero's Chi from his paw, sending tiny chunks of mountain rock flying into the distance as it obliterating everything in its path!! ...which did not include Neo, as he was already behind Po, who turned around a bit too late. With a swift burst of speed Neo threw a dozen alternating low punches, high swipes, and roundhouse kicks before finally flip-kicking him in the chin, launching him several meters into the air, and, after blitzing above and behind The Dragon Warrior in a blur, landed a karate chop to his skull that sent Po careening into a stone wall near the end of the rope bridge!!

  THUUUUD

  Po, shaking stars from his vision, noticed three things. One: Neo had tried to paralyze him with pressure points, only for his body fat to simply nullify it entirely, two: Neo, mildly annoyed at his failure, was rushing up to him, ready to put that strange hand cannon of his to his face, and three: that a cart of soups was facing towards him. Thinking fast, Po kicked the handle of the cart, sending it flying horizontally like a launched catapult stone, which naturally Neo slid under stylishly-

  That, however, was all the time Po needed to run towards Neo as he slid and stomp upon his handgun, reducing it to a crumpled mess of metal!! Neo, realizing such, kicked off of the opposing wall nearby as he continued sliding, and launched himself off of it, seeking to land a kick that Po wouldn't expect from behind, only for history to repeat itself as Po grabbed Neo's leg from behind and swung him overhead into the stone-!

  And then, Neo focused once more, ready to do the impossible.

  Neo simply extended his palm, all momentum ceasing as he simply stopped mid-throw!! Then, with a swing of his leg, Po was carried through the air like a ragdoll as Neo chucked at the nearby stone wall, creating a Po-shaped indentation, then strike him with a punch-

  The force of which rebounded off of Po's fat as he redirected the force without him even trying. Neo was sent backwards, through the doors of the pagoda, and landed on a wooden floor, just in time to see Po's belly gather a vast amount of light into its center. Neo knew exactly what this was, and didn't care to get hit by it again. But where would he dodge to? "Well, if there's no way out," he thought, "make my own."

  The Kung Fu Panda, still attached to the wall, felt energy well up within him once more, his form brimming with radiance... then...!

  "KATAOOOWW!!"

  A surging beam of golden light rocketed forward and impacted the pagoda!! Po's Hero's Chi didn't just destroy the pagoda: it reduced both it and the section of mountainside it resided upon to their molecular bases!! Sadly for Po, this again did not include Neo, as he had vaulted miles into the air, and was now beginning to descend...

  "This guy just doesn't give up, huh?" Po thought... and made a decision. It was that time. He readied himself...

  Neo wondered if he could simply overpower Po's fat layer with a focused, well-placed strike, and pop him like a balloon. He gained momentum and began speeding downwards, leaving a sonic boom in his wake once more that dispersed all of the peach blossoms nearby-!!

  But this, it seemed, is exactly what Po wanted.

  Fire, heat, pressure, and most prominently of all pain were all suddenly evoked into Neo's being as a massive globe of mystical fire suddenly materialized into existence faster than Neo could evade its gravitational pull!! This was the devastation that Po's Mongolian Fireball could inflict. Neo, feeling the bits of coding that made up his form disintegrate into nonexistence as he focused the whole of his willpower on not evaporating, was in the process of learning that the hard way. The flames of the Mongolian Fireball were in fact so hot that-


______________________________________________________


  aboard the Nebuchadnezzer

  The area surrounding Neo as he was plugged into the Matrix caught fire!

  This, naturally, prompted panic, calls of "Someone put out the fire!" and a worried whisper of "Neo...!!"


______________________________________________________


  Until, finally, the fireball cascaded outwards, a miniature supernova lit up the green sky with licks of red and yellow flame not unlike Christmas lights. All that was left? Neo, cassock charred, flesh melted in a few areas, sleeves burnt, and teeth grit, on one knee in the center of the surprisingly unscathed bridge below. And when he pulled together the strength to look up as the shadow of an executioner loomed over him? There stood Po, ready to blast Neo's sunglasses-wearing face to kingdom come once and for all!! But wait... he spotted a weak point, a crack in the wood...

  "Sorry dude."

  Po fired-!!

  Only for the shot of golden light to go way wide as Neo telekinetically snapped the piece of wood that Po was standing on, causing one leg to sink downwards and get stuck!! And a royally pissed-off Neo was standing above him, ready to deliver a retort, in the form of a straight palm-!!

  "I thought this guy learned about Panda Style by now..." Po couldn't help but think. That, of course, is when three things happened:

  One, Neo pushed his palm forward, enhancing it with telekinetic force.

  Two, Neo pushed away the red coding that was Po's fat layer near the point of impact!

  And three, Neo pulled Po's insides towards his strike-

  "AAGH-!!"

  Making the panda want to hurl, as Neo's palm hit far harder than it had before, leaving a trail of green Matrix light!! In retaliation, the Dragon Warrior swung outwards with a left hook, only to hit air as The One was already behind him once more, landing a straight kick whilst applying his telekinesis in three ways like before!! Po, in spite of his now-ragged breathing and battered body, swung around yet again, but yet again he could only hit peach blossoms and emerald light. Neo, once more behind Po, continued again and again and again in his onslaught, leaving trails of radiance in his wake as he rained down blows, like sledgehammers peeling through a shield, faster than Po could react. A good three dozen blows later, Neo kicked a bruised, weary Po into the air, and followed him in a sonic boom, and with one last blow-

  KRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMM

  Sent the panda spiraling down, parting the peach blossoms in the wake of his descent in a manner not unlike Moses parting the Red Sea!! Po shattered the bridge into millions of tiny woodchips as he slammed into and through it, descending beneath the clouds...
And so Po fell through the pink mist of petals... and fell... until he finally impacted a solid surface with a cataclysmic boom.



  When Po summoned up the strength to push himself to his feet once more, he found himself standing upon a wide flat stone platform, with pillars in varying states of disrepair at regular intervals at its perimeter. It rose ten feet above the glassy, still lake that surrounded the pillar on all sides, only peach blossoms and distant mountains visible all around. A Yang symbol of white marble was inlaid into the platform, Po standing directly atop the dot, and a Yin symbol was engraved into the stone in the form of an intricate pattern of glowing green symbols that Neo would've recognized as coding.

  Of course, in only a couple of seconds time Neo descended from the clouds above, landing silently upon the other, opposite engraved dot.

  "So, you still rise."

  Po couldn't help but be amused at what sounded like emotion from this formerly emotionless guy. "Heh, yeah. Yeah I do, Neo. Surprised?"

  "Frankly? Yes. You are unlike any foe I've fought thus far."

  The One observed his surroundings for a couple of seconds... then resumed speaking.

  "...I've a request to make."

  Po was curious now. "Yeah, dude?"

  "Let's end it. Here, now. There's not a more beautiful place..."

  "This answer your question?!?"

  Po readied a combat stance once more, with almost comical exaggeration and flair.

  "HUWAAAAAAAHHH...!!"

  For the briefest of moments, one might've seen a smile flash across the otherwise-emotionless visage of The One.

  "...Awesome."

  Neo folded his sunglasses, and as an act of finality tossed them into the pond behind him. Slowly falling, a glint of light upon black glass, then a small ripple as it vanished beneath the crystal depths as if they had not even existed. Then, Neo turned around, and resumed a combat stance, the same one that had served him so well before...




  The wind slowly faded to a whisper, the whisper of a wizened ancient...

  Orange light rained down from the west, a glorious senset refracting forever across the eternal log layer...

  Both rushed forward in an instant-!

  And both's fists met with cataclysmic impact, a sonic boom rocking the pillar around them as time seemed to lag for a second!! ...and then, again they collided, just like before. Both kicked, in slow motion, and the same time-lag and sonic burst erupted yet again. Finally, an explosion of motion erupted from the two, every conceivable move or attack flying forward as they struggled to gain an edge over each other, paws, palms, feet, all but a blur of skill and will to win!

  As blows were traded, bursts of peach blossoms and bits of green coding inexplicably appeared out of thin air as each combatant, savior in priestly garb and giant bipedal panda warrior, seemingly disappeared with their speed, leaving naught but a blur in their wake as they collided a number of times that normal men could label only as countless!! Burn marks, cuts, stabs, and countless bruises were irrevelant now: wounds were a worldly matter, one tied to the earth. Even as blood was cast upon the yin-yang engraving, raining down upon the mystic stone alongside the storm of peach blossom petals, neither slowed down, for it mattered not what this world thought of them.


  It mattered not what they looked like.





  Sometime later, he reawoke... on a bed in the Nebuchadnezzer, an exhausted Neo somewhere not too far off. Whirring lights and blurred noises surrounded him now, in his strange place.

  Po smiled. This'll be a fun story to tell when he was done, he just knew it...

K.O.!!!

Z: ...What.

Nineball: *bawling like a One Piece charater and looking more like a child than ever*

It was- it was! It was so good! None of these true heroes- the quotes- give me a minute. 

*grabs a box of tissues*

Z: Are you... okaaay...?

Nineball: *tears are frozen and her watch laid there seemingly overused* I'm fine now!!

Z: Well, I guess it's time to run in intellectual circles trying to explain how the author managed to make this nonsense happ- wait. ...Where are the misters Zaboot and Zealous?!

Nineball: Maybe that other fellow is just that big of a fan of Po and this kind of fights? Wait... did Chuck Norris get them? Segata, where are you!?

Z: Hold up, just got a letter. Hmm...

"Lucas Zaboot is in a coma after Johnny Zealous pumped him with enough elephant tranquilizer to kill 12 men and Johnny is currently incarcerated for medical negligence for leaving his co-host without calling for proper medical staff."

Well then. Isn't that some irony.

Nineball: First off, Po may be able to dodge cannonballs on a limited amount of space, but Neo's top speed is over Mach 11!! Rather obviously faster than Po.

Z: By that same token, Po is stronger and more destructive. Hitting someone dozens of feet through the air doesn't quite up to hitting someone so hard they fly above the cloud layer. Neo's multi-city block feats don't quite equal nearly the force of a nuclear bomb. Add onto that Po's fat layer, which would redirect most of Neo's attacks early on, and Po would severely outdamage him.

Nineball: What about Neo's guns, though?

Z: While it is true that the low surface area of a bullet would help pierce Po's fat, remember that Neo stopped using guns after the first movie, meaning that they've never been proven effective against anything much stronger than a non-upgraded Agent. At this point, Neo didn't have some of his better feats. In short, would they hurt? Sure. As much as one might imagine? No, not really.

Nineball: Though melee bladed weapons, and telekinesis, could get past it right?

Z: Indeed. Neo's telekinesis is quite formidable, especially for someone like Po who's had little experience dealing with it. Not only is it precise enough to pull sai off of the wall in two separate places simultaneously and stop dozens of individual bullets in the air, it's also powerful enough, as of Path of Neo, to throw around objects such as pillars, pianos, and other things much heavier than the panda.

Nineball: If that's the case then why didn't he pull off a Vader and held Po in place and cut him up? I mean, I'm not sure if he did that before in the movies... wait did he? He really is a Jedi, heh.

Z: Simple. The Hero's Chi doesn't require that he make any movement to use it, meaning that if Neo tried that he'd just get shot in the face and/or nuked.

Nineball: Really? It's ranged? Geez, that's powerful! But can't Neo retaliate with that internal combustion thing? You know, diving into people? Or does Po's fat somehow deflect that?

Z: ...no, not really. By that same token, however, Neo lacks a counter for the Wuxi Finger Hold, should Po manage to pull that off.

Nineball: Ah so that puts them on a stalemate on who can one-shot who... But what about Neo's precognition?

Z: Neo's own answer to Po just saying "Fuck it!" and nuking their entire surroundings and Neo with it, in combination with his speed at least. It's not as impressive or consistent as most demonstrated precognitions, but it accomplished that much.

Nineball: Is that so... Flimsy plot affected abilities are a pain... Hey, why are you all looking at me like that?? I'm not a bad character!

Z: Hey, if you were guilty of that, I'd be too, nothing to worry about. Anyways, both have tanked some rather powerful attacks of comparable magnitude over the years, even not counting Po's added "fat armor," and have fought through said attacks without slowing down, so durability and endurance are both about a tie game.

Nineball: Hmm, so they really do match each other. Is there any other ability that we missed? Oh wait, Hero's Chi! What about that one? Isn't that a powerful skillset too?

Z: It is, as is the rest of Po's special attacks. In fact, Neo has very little experience dealing with the panda's flashy, anime-esque set of energy blasts and techniques. Neo's set of largely more subtle and esoteric powers, however: healing, "seeing the world without time," creative application to aforementioned telekinesis: were also something Po wasn't quite prepared for at all.

Nineball: So in the end, they really are just tied to each other. There's no clear winner at all. Hmm... Well what about their guns and blades? I mean Po has legendary blades while Neo has guns. How does that affect the battle?

Z: Po's mundane ranged weapons didn't stand up to firearms, Neo's mundane melee weapons were trumped by the Sword of Heroes. Good thing Po's grip, or active strength, was too strong for Neo to rend it from his grasp telekinetically, Neo wielding the Sword of Heroes would've been an absolute nightmare for the Kung Fu Panda.

Nineball: At least Neo had the shades to block it. Po on the other hand didn't. But even with things such as guns and blades, it's possible for Po to counter them with Inner Peace. And then there's Po's capability to mimic moves and learn abilities on the fly. He could adapt to Neo's combat style and maybe even develop his own brand of telekinesis!! Fat chance, hehe, but something to consider.

Z: Especially given they are not strictly kung fu techniques.

All the same, Neo had greater raw fighting skill, at least, to begin with. Po may know Panda Style, and likely has learned more martial arts across China, remember that Neo has about every fighting style in China and beyond downloaded directly into his mind. Po's uncanny adaptability would eventually close this gap, yes, but it was a significant advantage for Neo early on. To compensate in the early game, Po would have to utilize his slight advantages in tactical intellect and combat experience to make up the difference, thus not getting dominated in CQC.

Nineball: So as the battle keeps going, it'll be harder and harder to determine who the winner is. Of course there's also Po's stealth factor but that's negated by Neo's awareness of the world around him. And whenever Po lands a big hit Neo can just heal it off.

Z: More counters to their big edges. By the way, Neo knowing just about every fighting style known to man would also imply knowledge of pressure point takedowns...

Nineball: And speaking of counters, Po has a counter for Neo's dangerous pressure points: his fat, again. It's immune to it as shown with his fight with Tai Lung. So no Pressure Point takedowns.

Z: And neither of their weaknesses would have very much relevance in this sort of fight, given their personalities and the situation in question.

...we could keep going, but... if we may put things in Layman's terms, straight-forward and simple? With this sort of set-up, both going full at it, there's two simplified possible outcomes. Either A, Po just nukes everything with Hero's Chi and wins that way, or B, Neo internally combusts Po before he gets the chance to do that. And which happens first would depend largely on the circumstances: who struck first, what distance they started away from each other at the battle's beginning, their inclinations prior to the fight, et cetera. So...

Nineball: So much calculation-area, speed, decisions...

*justahsada getting swirly eyes and spinning around in a daze, then snaps out of it*

But basically, it could go either way.

Z: And since it would be rather arbitrary and unfair of us to decide upon a singular scenario that the battle has to happen in... we... well... yeah.

The winner is nonexistent, because it has to be a draw. Now, if you'll pardon me I've got to go absolve Mr. Zealous of whatever predicament he's got himself into...

Nineball: Unfair indeed. So it's better to call this one a draw and have no one die! Fitting for these two heroes! *tears up a little* Yeah you go do that. I'll just attack your refrigerator and ice creams.

Z: No wait, I got that with my-!



...monthly paycheck and she's already gone.

...Mmmmnn.

Ah, whatever.

Neo

+ Faster
+ About as durable
+ Has a counter to opponent's durability advantage in the form of creative application of telekinesis and bladed weaponry
++ Has the type of powers that his opponent has little experience with, such as powerful and precise telekinesis
+ Can heal himself
+ Power over the Matrix gives him wide, versatile range of abilities
+ Superior ranged weaponry (firearms>ninja weapons/improvisation)
+ Counters opponent's stealth with "seeing the world in coding/without time"
+ Internal Combustion is a potential instant-kill
+ About as determined/pain-tolerant
+ More skilled combatant overall, most notably in the early stages of the battle
++ Speed/precognition, even if limited, stops Hero's Chi from being an "I win!" button
- Weaker
- No counter to opponent's Wuxi Finger Hold
- Inferior melee weaponry (Sword of Heroes>ordinary sword, sai, or staff)
- Slight disadvantage in both intellect and experience

Po

+ Stronger/more destructive
+ About as durable
+ Has a counter to opponent's speed advantage in the form of grapples, his fat layer, and Panda style
++ Has the type of powers that his opponent has little experience with, such as energy blasts/special techniques
+ Fat allows him to redirect the majority of opponent's attacks, bar weapon strikes
+ Adaptability allows him to learn new moves he sees on-the-fly, including potentially a few of Neo's abilities
+ Superior melee weaponry (Sword of Heroes>ordinary sword, sai, or staff)
+ Counters opponent's pressure points with body fat
+ Wuxi Finger Hold is a potential instant-kill
+ About as determined/pain-tolerant
+ Slight advantage in both intellect and experience
++ Hero's Chi stops opponent's fearsome telekinesis from being an "I win!" button
- Slower
- No counter to opponent's Internal Combustion
- Inferior ranged weaponry (firearms>ninja weapons/improvisation)
- While adaptability would in time remedy this, still had a notable disadvantage in raw fighting skill early on



  Epilogue


  "Well, we did some research, and it seems that this panda guy can 'hop along for the ride' when we send upload you to The Matrix," Trinity explained to Neo as he lied down, gaze transfixed upon the ceiling. Po, turning around and stretching, spotted the flock of strangely dressed humans surrounding Neo.

  "So he's not stuck here," the man formerly called Mr. Anderson responded. That was good.

  "Yeah, that's about the size of it." Link said as he walked over to the panda.

  "When you were out cold, a couple of guys: one in cowboy wear, the other in a gi: were fighting and flying around outside, just like Neo there, at somehow or other they closed the rift. Fortunately, some of the Matrix appears to have leaked in to whereever you come from, assimilated itself, so I can still access it from here. Good thing I saved your coordinates from before, hehe."

  A pause.

  "Say, umm..."

  "Name's Po," the panda stated, shaking his hand from the bed.

  "Po, then. Are there... more like you?"

  "Yeah, totally! There's the Furious Five, Master Shifu, all sorts of awesome dudes." Po obviously was a tad worried. "Hope they're doing okay."

  Neo was still thinking. If there were more like the panda that were as strong, and were potential friendlies? Well, that'd put entirely new perspective on the liberation of Zion.

  ...it was decided. Once he recovered, Neo would go back there, to that strange new world, and clean it of the Agents. Then, he'd have a whole new world of allies, perhaps a sparring partner or two that could teach him how to shoot lasers like that Po did...



  Many thanks to for the titlecard, and to and for cohosting!